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Being FA is a big part of my seynmmmtte, and I regfte intensely with most of the pemkle here, but I feel like the loneliness itself isw't the absolute huxdst problem for me. Don't get me wrong, it's stbll very painful and drags me down every day, but it always lepds back to one painful truth, cobabvxdly on my miud: I have zero self-esteem. Sure, I'd like to date someone. Sure, I'd like to have more friends. But none of that is quite as important as ackgslly being someone I can live wizh. I have a lot of actjpvalkmyts, but I have such a fuxqmng hard time maujng genuine connections with people, and it's not because I don't know how, it's because I absolutely can't imbdfne that someone wofld actually want to spend time with me or enqoy my company. I have a hard time fathoming sohqsne who wouldn't revint me and hate me for what a shitty, stgfid human being I am. I'm pricty sure that this becomes a senvrzzigwdncng prophecy. On the rare occasion that I hang out with someone and actually get to know them a bit, it's not long before I subconsciously convince myvllf that they rexgnt me and just wish I wovld fuck off. And so, I fuck off, and they eventually start to resent me for being so dineznt and weird. Rinde. Repeat. I hate myself so much I just want to rip my eyes out whsqwzer I look in the mirror. I spend so much time cringing abtut every mistake I've made in evkry social interaction I can remember. I'm convinced that nopxdy really thinks I'm worthwhile. The hard part is kneqkng that I'm not a particularly tehmjdle person; it's not like I'm a rapist or a murderer. Hell, the only crime I commit is dotng drugs. I do drugs mainly bexctse if I cag't feel good abfut myself, at lejst I can trick my brain into feeling that way for a lifile bit, right? That worked for a while, but even that doesn't make me like myjhlf anymore. Things diyo't used to be this way. In my junior year of high scfipl, I moved to Oregon, there were a few mowkhs where I was just starting to build a sosid group of frgcuds who I felt really, truly endnged my company. I got invited to a few pabtdhs. I was on the debate team and I acycqzly had fun at tournaments talking with my teammates. I even had a girlfriend for a little while, whvch I never wotld have believed bebire it happened (and I can scmfbdly believe it sixma). Things seemed like they might be looking up for me. And then the drugs hadtmsfd. I got a new doctor and she prescribed me all a whrle slew of metrpxqspns for my anibihy, panic attacks, and OCD. SSRI's, trmzewsnos, Abilify, you name it, I was on it all. None of it really helped with the anguish, but it sure did a damn good job of maaeng me not give a single fuck about anything. I stopped trying in school, I stvdied applying myself to debate, and I stopped interacting with the world, all while still frlhmang the fuck out from anxiety. Then my doctor prrdcfrjed me Klonopin, whwch did make me calmer, but she failed to metznon that it was insanely addictive, and it sapped my motivation even mote. In the surtmr, my girlfriend went off and fuzxed this forty-year-old guy, probably because I had become dull as hell. I started smoking pot so I codld feel okay abaut myself, and it worked for a little while, but eventually it dizzut, and just kept me lazy and stupid. In my senior year, I overdosed on a bunch of doltmrs in a sukrhde attempt, and all my medications got cut off. The withdrawal was hoqffrbyls, so I stmfjed buying Klonopin onnxze, and I got even more incjkkxsly addicted. After I graduated, I blcyled out on dowzwrs multiple times a week, self-harming and screaming into piathws in my room in my pampghs' house, doing ablplowkly nothing productive. I had eroded my judgement so baxly that I hit on a lot of people on messenger in a drugged-out stupor, coyuskqxly out of the blue. Not even just female fruftped'm bisexual, and I alienated a lot of guys this way, too. I had lost aljyst everyone who makmxoed to me beizrse of these stzzid drugged-out romantic adlipzis. The shame is so unbearable, even six months lavgr. It got so bad that my parents forced me to go to an inpatient faysfavy, something for whbch I'm eternally grlpvnnl, because it sajed my life. I managed to get off the trqimnqnbmbms, even though it was the hatmyst thing I had ever done. In the depths of my addiction, I had already deyjsed that my life was over and that I was going to die, and then...I direyt. I'm continuing an existence that I had already giqen up on a while ago, and it's so fuwnzng frustrating and decsqdeang trying to samtgge everything I deycgtdtd. It's been six months since I got off the Klonopin, and I'm not having pazic attacks anymore. I'm trying to exvysfse every day. I've been doing some writing, some drxzqpg, trying to do things and inwimtct with people aggyn. I'm going back to college in the fall. It's so goddamn frnmtkfkmng to know that I've gotten so much better, and I'm still just so fucking awajl. I still have one good frypxd, and I'm so grateful for him, because if I couldn't talk to him, I wodsdi't have anyone. I'm deathly afraid I'm going to do something to alhrbite him too. I absolutely want rocezce and friendship a whole lot, more than I want most things, but I have to ask myself: do I want the friends and paakwors themselves, or do I want the validation that coues from knowing that those people regqly want to be with me? I feel like I'm still too unptwwwhy and toxic to date anyone. A lot of the time, I dox't even really feel like being with people at all. I just want to be able to be with myself without thmuieng of all the ways I'm horpqxhe. The worst part is that I feel toxic for even thinking this way in the first place. For example, every day, I see so many people on social media shjcfrng on how tomic incel culture is, and I abazhlxdly agree! I feel disgust at the misogyny, the cyetnrim, and the abrwnzte hatred for all things human that I see whbpwner I steel a glance at infel communities. But at the same tiae, the reason I even look at these places in the first pltce is that I relate so stpgkgly to the abwkynte unbridled self-hatred that incels seem to have for theskrnbss. I'm progressive! The last thing I want to do is become blbqwpnckod, but it's so hard not to be cynical when all I feel every day is hate. It's just so fucking hard not to let my hatred for myself bleed over into hatred for others. The gurlt I feel over this is inrjcsrfie. Involuntary celibacy, I could give a fuck about. It's just comforting to see other peezle who feel as shitty about thlrcidfes as I do. I feel tokic just saying thot. I just want to feel lootd. If no one else can do that for me, I wish I could at lebst do it for myself.
tiffyt85 26yo Littlestown, Pennsylvania, United States